<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>How to Buy A Home In Three Easy Steps by Project0506</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26475385">How to Buy A Home In Three Easy Steps</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506'>Project0506</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Soft Wars [117]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Humor, M/M, Reality TV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:40:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,303</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26475385</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The obscenely popular star of 'You're Foxed' is in the market for a house.  <em>Of course</em> they're gonna film it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>CC-1010 | Fox/CC-6454 | Ponds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Soft Wars [117]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>545</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to Buy A Home In Three Easy Steps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Rated, as usual, for Fox's potty mouth.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment it’s on the air, the show is immediately infamous.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I might be blind,” the camerabeing giggles in rictus glee. Fox snorts, but otherwise ignores zir. This is supposed to be candid footage, but there’s still unspoken standoff between the recorder and the recordee. Professional courtesy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“There’s this lovely crown molding!” the flashy-fake bubble-gum chipper holovision host masquerading as a Realtor babbles, as though she can snag attention back. As if she had any of their attention in the first place. Next to a Ponds bedecked in blue-green iridescent tailcoat she’s as forgettable as her bland, inoffensive suit. It’s obvious that the network’s ‘house buying’ production teams and the ‘renovation’ production teams don’t talk to each other. Otherwise, the reno people would have warned her about Fox.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Redstone? <em>Red</em><em>stone</em> are you fucking joking? What an expensive waste of material, I feel like my fucking soul is shriveling looking at this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And Ponds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The light here is all wrong,” Ponds mourns and pokes at a windowframe as if it will change. “So wrong. Certainly not what I was looking for. But it could grow on me, I think.” He glitters to and fro between the bay windows like a restless nuna, attention never held for long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Like bacteria.” Qi’ra skitters under his arm, keeping him firmly between her and anyone who’ll try to hand her Luke to hold again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The host had thought it would be cute, give the casual filming that extra something that said ‘family’. The twin looks of horror and dismay Qi’ra and Luke shot each other before Han intervened had exploded across the holonet. Gree set Fox up a program to track metrics, and the numbers are wonderful. Ponds pats Qi’ra’s head. She sighs and straightens her hair. The viewership numbers jump.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Turns out the holonet likes seeing Fox’s family almost as much as they like seeing him hate things. Go fucking figure.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The redstone catches his eye again, exactly the way it’s intended to do. Fox can feel a headache brewing from the spectacle. “The fuck am I supposed to do with this fucking giant lump in the middle of the fucking floor?” he muses and pretends not to see the camerabeing sidling up to him. “Accent piece? <em>Accent what</em>?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whichever poor fuck pitched this mess to the network probably figured crossing Fox’s brand recognition with some real-holovision accessibility would basically turn around as a license to mint credits. They probably weren’t wrong. But if the host had, for even a moment, thought she could direct either of them, she was badly mistaken.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh but the <em>molding</em>,” Ponds proclaims and sweeps past them to inspect it. “Why would you go <em>dark</em> on the molding? It’s awful, I love it. Fox come look at this, isn’t it terrible?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Redstone</em>!” Because it bears repeating. It’s a fantastic cut, would have made an excellent driveway. It swallows the fuck out of the main floor, and there’s just no way in hell you complement that without looking sith chic. “How the fuck do I even design a room around that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We can put a rug over it,” Ponds throws over his shoulder as he breezes in another direction. The camerabeing gave up trying to follow him about eight minutes into this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re not putting a fucking rug over <em>redstone</em> you know how much that shit costs?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I want a spaceship rug,” Han offers. Luke giggles. “Luke does too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fox pats both of their heads. “Not in the fucking entry.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fox!” Ponds calls from somewhere deep in the bowels of the house. “Come look at the ‘fresher, you’re going to be so mad.” He’s probably right; Ponds has a sixth sense for that sort of thing. Fox stalks that way and the camerabeing scrambles to follow. The host scrambles behind zir, desperate to worm her way back on cam.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I can’t decide.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s over budget. And fucking overpriced anyway.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s much bigger than what we need.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The <em>f</em><em>ucking</em> redstone.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But the view is incredible.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And you keep picking up strays so it might not be ‘much bigger than we need’ for long.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s close to the office, like you wanted.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But too far from uptown for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And there’s a pool.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do we even want a pool?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes,” Qi’ra and Han both establish firmly. Fox and Ponds pat their heads.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And it’s so<em> pretty</em>.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s karking gaudy and you know it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Across the kitchen island strewn with notes and pictures, their eyes meet. Ponds tilts his head that one cheeky way. Fox groans. “I can get used to the fucking redstone,” he grumbles.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He does not for a moment think he deserves the twin looks of snide smirking he gets from the nut gallery. He flicks each of their heads in turn. Han cackles and retreats behind Luke for protection. Qi’ra sighs bodily and positions her ponytail.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s full of terrible choices,” Fox grumps. And they’d agreed beforehand that they weren’t going to do the stereotypical holovision-house-hunter thing and blow past their budget on the first shiny house.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It <em>is</em> a nice house, even if it isn’t everything they were looking for. Even if some empty bucket decided to floor the entry with expensive pavestones. The kitchen island alone is big enough for a full dinner serving for all of them, including Boba.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fox shuffles through the floorplans again. The camerabeing steps around their cluster for a panning shot. The host sulks in a corner, ignored.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know what we need?” Fox glances up but Ponds’ eyes are distant. Sharp though, and calculating.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If there wasn’t a holorecorder and a handful of tiny warriors nearby, that look would have Fox rolling him for a wrestle. Fuck, Fox loves when he’s plotting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A backhoe?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“An anti-realtor.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Qi’ra frowns. “Who’s Auntie Realtor?”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>They need someone balanced, who isn’t distracted by grandeur or accouterments. Someone unbiased, who has no stake in whether or not Fox and Ponds buy this house, or another house, or no house at all. Someone who will give opinions honestly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh good eye, the current owner installed cove lighting to give that,” the host rattles off a trite phrase in High Galactic that supposedly means ‘that extra something’ but really just makes her sound like a fucking snot. “The indirect lighting accentuates the division of purpose between rooms while maintaining that open plan. They really do increase the value of a home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hmm. Lights, they are?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well. Yes?” she flails.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And value, these lights add.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Certainly. You could see five, ten thousand credits added to the sale price for homes with cove lighting.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Five thousand, ten thousand credits,” repeats Master Yaddle. She pins Fox with a look so judgmental he feels a foot tall and six sizes too small for his boots. “For lights.” She taps her grimer stick just once, and her opinion is remarkably clear.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Noted Master Yaddle,” he tries, and it seems sufficient enough that his ankles are spared another thwack.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She harrumphs. According to Gree’s stats, the holonet loves every second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The kitchen I will see,” she commands and Ponds bends a knee in a smooth, practiced motion as she leaps to his shoulder. “Excessive, your pictures seemed. Bigger than you need, it is.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We do have one more with us about half the time,” Ponds explains. “And we have three or four who’ll pop up periodically.” The aged master nods.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Corrected, I am. Still. See it, I will.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She sees it. She’s lukewarm, but could be convinced. She sees the three-room 'fresher with pocket toilet and heartily disapproves; she sees the pool/whirlpool combo with waterfall feed and is mightily indifferent. She sees the entryway. Master Yaddle, to no one’s surprise and Fox’s vindication, is thoroughly unimpressed with the redstone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They do not buy the house. The viewer load breaks the network servers.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>